Monday, January 9, 2012

I need a thousand tiny miracles: getting naked with my soul

As a girl, I kept a diary with a silver clamp and a tiny key. I stashed the key in a top secret hiding place and tucked my diary under my blankets. I've always needed a channel to use my voice, to be heard, to release my heart's words.  Back then, it was a secret and quiet audience...just myself, using a diary...with a lock and key. Now, in true spirit of our current generation, my platform is my blog. There is no lock and there is no key. My audience is everyone and the secrets are none. I am an open book. 
My real life is exposed by choice. 
This is me, my life unveiled.

me 2010

Sometimes along this blessed path of life, we have hellish barriers that bind us, preventing us from moving forward.  These barriers threaten to destroy all the beautiful things we usually experience.  I have a thorn in my side that I have shared about in a previous post here. I am a happy girl, that is true.  But I am a happy girl with a burden I keep compartmentalized in it's own box.  I rarely open this box unless forced.

This quiet health condition I carry gives me many physical issues.  I have lived with my burden for a long time but the threats it is currently shoving in my face are requiring me to take new action. My issues could be corrected if I do what it takes.  You all know I usually love to share beautiful things here on Moore Minutes.  Well, this isn't pretty.  It's ugly.  One of the side effects of my health issue is causing me to lose a lot of hair.   I have always had a LOT of hair too.   I never in a million trillion years thought I would be sharing this here for everyone to read, but life is funny and I feel strongly that I am meant to write this post.   Rapid hair loss is a humbling experience for a woman.   I twirl my fingers through strands of my hair and cry dry tears.

It's just hair.  

Just hair.  

Just hair.

I silently repeat those words to myself over and over and over again.  But I remain attached to my vanity and the comfort it brings so the hair loss still sinks my spirit.

But then Jesus whispers to me and says...

 So I chin up and carry on.  I am still knee-deep in the middle of this, just as I was the first time I shared this on my blog a long time ago.  I have no happy ending yet.  But it is a journey, a process that I learn more about every single day.

This is real life.  
This is authentic humanness...
open vulnerability. 

A lot of days I doubt.  Hope and healing aren't tangible.  But then part of me awakens and I see some light fighting to peek through the door. 
What I really want to ask is if you'll pray for me,
pretty please.
I would sincerely appreciate it.
And if you don't pray, 
throw a thousand wishes into the big sky for me to catch.
But I do prefer the prayers. ;) 

It is Well, With my Soul
old hymn penned by Horatio Spafford in the 1800s 
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 
 when sorrows like sea billows roll; 
 whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 
 It is well, it is well with my soul. 
It is well with my soul, 
 it is well, it is well with my soul. 

 ...though trials should come, 
 let this blest assurance control, 
 that Christ has regarded my helpless estate... 

 And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, 
 the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
 the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
 even so, it is well with my soul. 

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Kristin said...

Of course I will pray for you. I am sad with you and will cry with you whatever it may be you are having to face and go through. You mentioned the lovely words of the Lord, you know that in in your you have to know that in your heart and just release that small part of control you are holding on to and just give it to the Lord, over and over again until it is done. He is in control. He keeps all your tears in a special bottle. He knows your thoughts the dark ones. He knows, He knows He is your Heavenly Father. He loves you. You are not alone.

Jane said...

Dear Sweet Lisa,
I am right there with Kristin...and with all of your other friends and family members...lifting you in prayer, standing at your side, loving you. You WILL overcome...believe it in your heart. But you have to, as the "churchy" cliche says (and it really true!), "Let go, and let God." Not easy to do in our humanness...but it can be done. I'm pulling for you... and so is your Father in heaven.

Barbara F. said...

I will absolutely send prayers your way, Lisa, and this post humbled me so. I too am suffering with thinning hair, and I had a headful as well as unfortunately being somewhat hairy as a young woman due to polycystic ovaries. Years of electrolysis (way before laser hair removal) helped with that, and constant professional waxing. Now with menopause, it is the thinning hair loss on my head. I cry over it too. But I keep on praying as I cannot afford to do a weave or go for a transplant, and I don't think I could put on a wig where it doesn't look like one. I pray and take biotin daily. I hope your health condition is one that can be controlled/cured. ((hugs)) xo

Randi~Dukes and Duchesses said...

I'm sorry and I will absolutely pray for you. My beautiful sister-in-law suffers from alopecia and hasn't had any hair for a few years now. She is an invaluable source of information for women dealing with hair loss (she's done a lot of research and tried a lot of different things - she wears both scarves and wigs and she even draws her eyebrows in with different pencils so that they look completely real) and loves to help women going through similar circumstances. If you'd ever like me to connect you through email, I'd love to.

Mid-Atlantic Martha said...

Bless your heart....of course I will say a little prayer for you.

Lisa Fliehman said...

Lisa, I will be praying for you!! I'm sure this was not easy to post and asking for prayers is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

Anonymous said...

I happened upon your blog and I wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of you and hope that you will see that your thinning hair is just your own changing perfection!

God made us just the way we are and when he sees fit to alter our perfections, he has a reason for it!

Also, I just wanted to let you know that I love you! I don't know you, but I know that I love you!

Stay strong Lisa and continue with the wonderful posts!

Gail S. said...

Ditto to all of the above - I just sat here and said a prayer for you. Blessing to you.

Leanne said...

Oh Lisa! I'm so sorry! Of course, I'll pray for you. You're amazing, and even though we've never met in person I consider you a good friend. Hugs to you! xo Leanne

Brian said...

Of course I will pray for you Lisa! The thing is you are sooo pretty, just like Jen B you would still look gorgeous even if you shaved your head! Hope this year proves to be a great one for you!

Nancy said...

Ooops. Didn't realize that my brother Brian was signed in. (He lives with us while he's going to school at ASU.) Anyway, that was me above, and Brian says he'll pray for you too =)

Anonymous said...

Prayers coming to you..Be well..

b. said...

I admire you vulnerability and hope that it helps you in this journey that you're not taking alone.

You are always in my heart, thoughts and prayers and will be forever!

God loves you sooo much and He wants you to trust Him with this thorn! You can't do it alone.

Teresa said...

You're putting too much in our hands and too much in your heart. Let go and Trust in God.
Sending blessings and prayers your, and your beloved ones (because no one battles and suffers alone), way.

Anonymous said...

I actually have Joshua 1:9 written on an index card and placed by my bathroom mirror....prayers for peace that surpasses understanding. Death and Life are in the power of our words...what you say you shall surely eat...speak wisely my firend.

Gail said...

I just found your site a few days ago and have been so inspired by the few pages I have managed to get through and bookmarked it and subscribed to it. I am not sure what your illness may be, but please know that I and your friends and family are praying for you. Hugs. said...

Of course you have my prayers, Lisa. I pray that He helps you to find the inner peace and strength to take the seemingly impossible steps to correct your health condition and to give your aching little heart the peace it so desperately desires and deserves.

None of us is perfect. We're all wrestling with our own inner issues and struggles. Know that you're not alone.

God has a way of bringing things out of the darkness and into the light - where they're not so insurmountable and overwhelming.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

Carrie said...

One mindful day at a time.

caveman said...

Lisa, you are the strongest person I have ever known. You do not realize how many people admire and look up to you. I don't speak these words as your husband, but as your peer and a dedicated fan. When you expose your heart in writing, whether it is locked up under your covers or laid bare for all to read, it shows a level of humaness that is beautiful and inspirational.

God allows life's attacks to happen. He knows that as his children, our instinct is to run home to him. Indeed, our struggles are part of his divine plan. Even before reading this post, I have noticed your heart aching to run home. Your struggle is great. The peril you face is real and the danger immense. Watching you hurt is the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't make the hurt stop. All I can do is hold your hand while it happens. Let me hold your hand as you run home to Jesus. We'll rest in his arms together. This is not the end, Sweetheart. It is only a season.

I want you to know that I understand. I feel your hurt too. And I love you. The more that you share, the more that you will find other people that understand. And they love you too. You will inspire those people most and they will inspire you.

Don't stop fighting, Lisa. We need you too much. Exhaust every tool at our disposal before you despair. You might not believe you can win. But you can and you will. You are too strong not to. Always and Forever, remember? -1610.

b. said...

I love Chris' post and not only do I AGREE with every word but he helped me with his wise and loving words.

Thinking about you always Lisa.. you are sooo loved!

Abby Killam said...

Although I can't truly understand what you are going through, I do understand the feelings of vulnerability, self consciousness and loneliness. It is so difficult to struggle with ailments when they affect our physical appearance, all the while trying to keep the smile on our face. A few people have mentioned that this is a season of your life and it will end. Last year when I was going through such grief, I was told this is just a winter season and that spring will soon come. I know that it will for you as well. I think it is wonderful that you are brave enough to make yourself so raw. We should be able to talk about our pain and not pretend we aren't human with hurt and sadness. You are strong and beautiful and even more so for putting your story out for others to connect with. I will keep you close to my heart and pray for physical and spiritual healing and peace. Hugs

foreverdecorating said...

Though it's hard during times like these, count your many blessing and knowing the Lord. He will not burden you with more than you can carry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.