Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Today is your birthday. Saying that makes the beats of my heart pound harder within my chest. I'm aware of emotions surfacing in the midst of our little busy lives that we all lead together. The sound of dishes loading, laundry cycling, and you and your brothers loudly playing fades to a low drone as I close my eyes and press my hands heavily over my heart trying to soften the beats. It is a mystery...becoming a momma. It makes me FEEL in capacites I never knew before.
You were born among panic and turmoil and we flew fast in a large plane to a larger hospital. You were early and you met with a herd of doctors upon your arrival. They rushed you away and I watched the buzz move swiftly down the hallway...away from me. I soon got to see you again but a hard plastic bubble separated the two of us. I still remember how beautiful you were. To this day, I have never seen a more perfectly formed little fresh bundle. You were curled up wanting love all alone in that incubator. You had a soft, round body and big chipmunk cheeks. I wanted to hold you close but it wasn't time. Of all my boys, you appreciate physical affection most of all...yet, there you were, hours old, and void of human touch. My heart wanted you as I peered past the plastic. We almost lost you one night, you were so sick. I raced out of my room when the Doctor called at 2am, saying you were possibly breathing your last breaths. Oh my, was that false. You have breathed so much life into everyone around you for seven years now! I called you my "angel baby". God saw your big heart and knew that he needed an angel here on earth, so in a swift move, He chose to leave you here. We needed love, the kind only Dakotah boys can give! You were born to love. Truly.
Please know, my sweet Kotah Bear, that you hold such a unique part of my identity and my heart...only YOU have this part of me. You are the middle of three incredible lives that stir my emotions like nothing else. Exactly in the middle. But rest your little heart and know that you are placed exactly where you need to be, just like the cream in an oreo. You have me, you always have. My Dakotah is unlike any other little boy in God's big world. I need you right here where you are. You connect your brothers, always checking to make sure that each one is loving one another. Your little mind works in ways to create laughs and excitement in our everyday lives. You are LOVE quite simply Kotah. You demonstrate love in the purest form to all of us. It is so important to you that everyone is getting along and that we are all happy. Do you have any idea how that makes your Momma feel? I feel so blessed to have my little angel taking care of us. That is what you do. Your heart is big and spilling over with love for Momma and Daddy and your brothers. I know that.
You are unique and full of wonder. You are PACKED full of personality! Your wispy beach blond hair falls into your eyes as you run to me. I like to push it back and kiss your forehead all over, while I study your tea-cup blue eyes that never stay still. I watch your eyes move about and wonder what you're thinking about. I have some slight clue that you are working on a big adventure in your mind, or that you are waiting to tell me about your latest expedition. You can never stay still. There is so much that you want to explore, and see, and touch, and do. You love life and you make sure we all love life right along with you. Your little hands automatically discover each thing around you. You just can't seem to get enough of it all. What a gift that is. Don't lose that sense of "awe". Always let this world WOW you. Don't slow down. Keep running, explore this life, see it all, experience it in ways that only curious little boy minds can.
I love you Dakotah. You make this family. Nothing, ever, ever will change the way my heart beats harder for you when I know you're turning another year older. I'm convinced I'll always feel this way...just as I do now. And that is okay. It means I'm feeling life, just like you feel life. We're the same. We feel life...You and I.
Thank you for making me smile and Happy 7th Birthday,